Rest

It's been a long, hard week.

I am drained. It has been a week of ups and downs, ins and outs, and I am tying a knot at the bottom of my rope and hoping to sleep.

It’s funny how life does this to us sometimes. I am honestly not sure where I stand right now, looking back from the vantage of Thursday evening.

Last week, I had a doctor’s appointment to talk about allergies and some persistent pain in my shoulder. I left scheduled for 24 hour blood pressure monitoring and a heap of anxiety about it. After my emotional day on Tuesday, I took that test starting yesterday around noon. Every 15 minutes during the day and every 30 minutes at night, the hot and itchy blood pressure cuff constricted and took a reading.

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep particularly well. It was better than I expected, but I was anxious about going to sleep, afraid I’d pull it off and mess it up. Once I did fall asleep, the measurements cycled and woke me up periodically. It wasn’t my most restful night of sleep.

I was nervous going in to the doctor to hand it in. I was convinced I was falling apart, frustrated that 25 years of vegetarian eating plus healthy exercise were going to come crashing down. I know health issues aren’t personal failings, but that’s my logical brain saying that. My emotional brain--the one that thinks I can just fix everything if only I work a little harder--disagrees. Everything can be an indictment. Old patterns die hard.

Thankfully, the results came back as unconcerning. No need for medication, keep an eye on salt consumption, and let future doctors know that any measurements taken in the clinic are likely to be a little jumpy. The doctor also said to make sure I give myself time every single day to just lie down and relax. She sent me on my way with a reasonable €100 invoice for testing and consultation that will be fully covered by my insurance. I’m glad I went, I’m thankful I don’t have a huge bill to lug around as the price of due diligence.

But the thing I’m most thankful for is the reminder to breathe. To stop and relax occasionally, to let myself unwind.

There’s so much talk about nervous system regulation milling around these days. People in every corner of the internet claim it’s the truest wealth, the one best thing we do for ourselves and for our children. While I agree in principle, it really sets us an impossible task. Given the state of the world, some baseline level of modest blood boiling is to be expected. Add to this the challenges of raising kids, navigating a new culture, and the perpetual challenge of untangling my der-s, die-s and das-es in German class and I’ve definitely got some additional risk factors.

I wish I had the answers. I wish I could say I was definitely going to sit and meditate for 10 minutes every morning, that I would avoid checking my phone first thing and that I would drink cups of calming tea in a deliberate wind-down routine. As it is, I’m cramming writing into the late nights, managing to get through with just another cup of coffee to power my days. I’m packing boxes to move and fretting about where my kids will go to school. It’s all become very consuming. I knew it was coming. I knew the months of March and April were going to be a tough haul. We’re only a few weeks in and I was right.

But at the root of my exhaustion sits a web of gratitude. It’s the mycelium that feeds me, keeps me going in these hard weeks. I’m grateful to be here. I’m grateful to have support and love and opportunities. I’m grateful to be meeting new interesting people and to be learning new and hard things. I’m grateful for a chance to get indicated medical testing without having to shell out hundreds of dollars out of pocket. I’m grateful that I am safe and that I am with the people I love most.

Sitting with reality is hard these days. Trying to keep my sanity and blood pressure in check while I do it is a tall order. But I guess it’s worth the effort. It’s worth an early nights’ sleep and an extra chance to put my feet up.